Nights of Passion welcomes the world famous flirt, jan howard finder also known internationally as the Wombat. Now I understand you’ve had experience flirting in various countries in addition to the United States. We’ll get to that, but perhaps we should begin at the beginning. What is the real purpose of flirting?
For me, flirting is a way of giving verbal hugs or strokes. It is a fun way of giving compliments and engaging in fun wordplay. Yes, it can get quite sexual or sensual, but in fun.
Are there different kinds of flirting?
Yes, indeed. While I try and make my flirting relatively harmless, I have seen men and women use it to upset their partners by “flirting” with others in such a way as to really get their dander up. The poor bastard being flirted with usually has no idea that they are being used as a pawn in an ongoing battle between two people. It is especially nasty when the “outraged” partner goes after the person who is the pawn.
Flirting with intent is another version. I don’t call this so much as flirting as “chatting up” the other person.
I have used the giving of backrubs as a way of flirting or beginning the conversation. It has also lead to “private” consultations. Not that I minded in the least. 🙂
Oh yes, I like to give what I call my “pixie dust” flirt. I’ll be paying my bill or doing something which is only momentary and I’ll be moving on. I ask if the young lady [Ladies are always young by definition.] would accept a gratuitous compliment. I sometimes get a somewhat fishy eye, but almost always they say yes. Then I do give them a true [VERY IMPORTANT!!!]compliment. Maybe I’ll say, “You have beautiful eyes.” “The earrings really fit you.” “That is a neat dragon on our shoulder.” Then I carry on and leave.
I was actually told by someone I did that to at a con (convention), later, they were a little bit startled, as that was not what they expected, but it also made them feel good. It brightened their day a little bit.
When is flirting harmless and when is it not?
This is rough. One person may be just chatting “with,” the other decides to carry it further. This is when some common sense, which ain’t all that common, comes into play. I’m single. If the other party is single/unattached, then yes, the conversation can lead to more intimate surroundings. One has to be both aware of the other person’s situation and their own as regards to the flirting when it appears to be veering off of conversation and into “panting.”
What was the most fun you’ve ever had flirting with someone? You don’t have to give names.
This is hard to say. When I’m flirting with someone, I’ve flirted with before, we can get really deep. To others it may sound as if we are about to rip each other’s clothes off and do the wild thing right there. It confuses them, when one of us will suddenly note, “Damn, I’ve got to get to a panel.” Gives a hug and heads off. 🙂
What kinds of things can happen because of flirting?
If one is good and establishes a rep for being able to flirt, one can get away with saying all sorts of outrageous things. Applying hugeous gobs of humor helps. Also being able to say, really outrageous things with a straight face also helps.
Generally, being able to flirt well, increase ones chances for meeting new friends and keeping them. You become someone others want to be around.
If you really find, you click during flirting, you may well find yourself with a partner as well as a friend. It also increase the chances of finding someone to fall into lust with. Hey, I’m male, straight [but not narrow] and appreciate women. If by flirting, we end up having a 2-hour quicky, cool. By that time I’ve also ascertained, the woman doesn’t have anyone around who might come after either of us with a shotgun. Violence is against my religion. I’m a devout and practicing coward.
On the other hand if one is not cautious, flirting can get one into a world of hurt. As I noted above, some folk use flirting to hurt their partners. This can get an innocent [one hopes] bystander caught in the crossfire.
Are there ever embarrassing moments or misunderstandings?
Have you ever flirted with someone and they just not get it?
These two sort of go together. It is always possible, the other person thnks you are just coming on really strong. BACK OFF! Try and clear the air. I usually can read the person well enough to know if they feel threatened or if your flirting is going completely over their heads.
To be honest flirting is not done all that much today. Teens and 20 somethings tend to view “Hey, you’re cute. My place or yours.” as flirting. No, this is a proposition.
If you try and flirt with the general public, you will probably not get very far, sad to say. People just don’t flirt very much. As, in my humble opinion, it doesn’t lead to a date or bed, many folk just feel it is a waste of precious time.
You will find flirting at SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc.) type events and SF (science fiction) conventions.
I’ve been told by my gal pals that men have flirted with me, and I just don’t get it. So considering that I may be flirt challenged, how would you go about teaching me to flirt? Step-by-step, if you please.
Oh dear! I don’t know if I can give you a list, but I can say this. If you are chatting with someone [I’ve had guys flirt with me or come on. I’ve thanked them for their attention, but pointed out that I’m a little bit weird and like women. this usually handles the situation well.], and the conversation is interesting and continues on beyond the initial topic, you might well assume that the lad is trying to not only flirt, but see if things can progress from there.
While I know you are happily married, well, I do have fun chatting with you and maybe playing with words with you. Intelligent women are such a turn on. 🙂 Yes, going a little bit over the top, but not drooling or panting heavily, is great fun. I like to flirt and let the woman decide just how far she wants to play the game. This assumes, as previously noted, someone won’t be trying to shoot me.
Since I know you’ve traveled extensively, I imagine you’ve had a lot of different flirting experiences being that customs vary. Please, give us some examples of flirting in other countries.
Yes, I’ve had the chance to flirt in a number of countries. I’ve found my approach, lighthearted and not threatening, seems to work well everywhere. I treat each woman as unique. She is the center/centre of my world at that moment. I give her the attention she certainly deserves.
I still speak some German. At a Worldcon (convention of the World Science Fiction Society) in the US, I met up with a couple of beauteous German ladies. We chatted in German. I noted, I don’t get the chance very often and hoped my German was understandable. I also remembered enough German to actually flirt with them in German. They found it hilarious and appreciated.
What flirting experience in what country was the most unique? Really sticks out in your mind?
There is no one thing that stands out as I don’t go into the situation with intent to do more than have an enjoyable conversation and have and give some fun.
What country was the most fun for flirting?
They are all fun. Once I knew, I could flirt with someone, it was off to the races. Both of us having a grand time.
That said, I’ve done most of my flirting in the US and at SF cons. I have to be quite careful in the mundane world.
Are there movies or TV shows that show great examples of flirting? I’ll take notes. Remember I’m flirt challenged and tend not to notice.
I can’t think of any offhand, but I would probably look for flirting in pre-60’s movies and TV shows. After the so-called sexual revolution, flirting seemed to give way to flat out propositions. It became a lost art.
Are there rules to flirting? Do’s and Don’t’s?
Again, this comes back to common sense. If the person seems to become uncomfortable, then for YOUR sake back off.
Not every conversation is or has to be flirting. Asking a woman about a web site development [Yes, there are women who do this. :-)] is not necessarily a conversation or situation for flirting. That said, I could easily see myself noting: “Sigh! The way you handle HTML code drives me wild with lust.” 🙂 Something which is really hard to get across in words is also the delivery.
Ur, I do website development. You’re so funny. Moving on. When has flirting been especially satisfying?
When the other person appreciates it and responds in kind. Of course, there have been times when what started out as flirting has ended up in bed for one of those 2-hour quickies. That can be very satisfying. 🙂
Can anyone learn to flirt?
In general, I would say yes. But when trying to flirt don’t be intense or too serious.
Nights of Passion would like to thank jan for being here and sharing his expertise with us. Now that our viewers are better versed on the skill, I sure I’ll be seeing flirting everywhere. Now that I know what to look for. Thank you, Wombat!
jan howard finder: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_Howard_Finder
http://www.lastsfa.org/finder/wombats_wanderings.html
Albacon (Albany Science Fiction convention): http://www.albacon.org
Worldcon: http://www.worldcon.org/
Nights of Passion 
As another female web designer and a SF fan, I fondly recall a fellow who was introduced to me by a mutual acquaintance. Recognizing my name, he immediately said (in a lovely deep voice): “Oh, I really like your web site.” That is the shortest sentence that ever made me fall madly, deeply.
He had a slight reserve — a bit of shyness and formality — that made it a treat to watch him flirt with his partners at the Regency Dance at WorldCon. And the fact that he genuinely preferred the larger women who rarely get flirted with… be still, my heart!
Thanx for dropping by Susan’s interview of me on flirting.
She will pass on a few other comments I made.
I hope, you enjoyed the interview.
Yes, a delightful interview. Your mention of the understanding that fannish communities give to flirting is what brought up my fond memory. I hope your interview encourages others to try SF conventions. I love ’em despite the small fraction of my reading that is F&SF.
I like your term “flirting with intent.” I’d either heard it before or I re-invented it, in telling someone that is what I wasn’t doing. 🙂