Last week, I wrote all about cutting yourself a window when a door closes. Then life kicked me in the gut. Woke up Tuesday morning to a snow storm and my mom being rushed to the ICU. The week got worse from there.
I’ve been completely unable to write. Heck, I’ve been unable to read. I don’t even want to look at a book right now (and y’all know that’s some serious stuff right there). I’m angry and anxious and exhausted.
How do I find a release from all this anger when I can’t run or do yoga or punch a bag?
Okay, much easier to type those two words than to actually let go.
Step one: Forgiving my mom. Her life choices directly lead to this moment. This isn’t easy.
Step two: Take care of myself.
I cleaned the house. I removed myself from Twitter and only check my Facebook messages, I do not scroll my newsfeed. After writing letters that I needed to write, I deleted the news app from my phone. I put away my books and called up some friends. Some I talked to on the phone, some came over and watched movies, some sent funny memes.
Acknowledge the anger.
I know everything is setting me off right now. Something that would’ve rolled off my shoulders last week is devastating to me this week. This is not the time for heavy movies, career decisions, even “should I cut my hair?” decisions. I need to eat well, rest, and be careful who I talk to on the phone.
Do not react, respond.
This one is important. There are a few things that happened this week, both book and personal wise, that made me want to lose my s***. As angry as I am, I can’t go around punching things. (First and foremost, have you ever broken your hand? It hurts. I just got my splint off.)
Stop. Take a deep breath. Seal lips.
I can’t take back a negative reaction. I can’t take back calling someone a name or severing an important bridge that is attached to an array of other bridges. I can’t un-quit my job. Because I’ve acknowledged my anger and because I know I shouldn’t react, I’m able to set my phone down/nod politely and walk away.
Maybe I’ll text my besties about what’s happening, maybe I’ll go to the bathroom and run water over my inner wrists, sometimes I put on some Bob Ross. I tap out of the fight. I give myself permission to focus on taking care of me, and that means not reacting out of anger but responding out of thoughtfulness or in most cases, not responding at all.
As my mom continues to decline, I will be stepping away from the blog for a bit. But for now, we’ll go week by week.
Take care, Nights of Passion friends.
Hunting Witch Hazel: Now available
I was happy with my West Coast life – 24-hour pizza delivery and bikini-clad bodies as far as the eye could see. Now I’m in the small-ass town of Hayvenwood to extract a ransom to save my little brother’s life. And that ransom is locked inside of the sexiest witch I have ever met, Hazel Evanora.