One peaceful summer day, the unthinkable happened…
A deadly wasp infiltrated my kitchen.
I live tweeted the experience. All of these events are completely true and not in any way dramatized. *
During my time held hostage by this, the most evil of insects, I posted live updates on twitter so I could preserve my potentially final moments. I fought not with bravery or valor, but instead wit and rhetoric. From behind a closed door.
I must warn you — it’s not pretty. The wasp was hostile. Children under thirteen should be accompanied by an adult.
From (Twitter) @authorheathern
Some lines have been altered for time and poor grammar.
That moment when you’re cooking…and a wasp is crawling by you…and your epi-pen is in the other room…#run #DidITurnOffTheStove
I’m hiding in my office. Towel under door. Must sneak out for supplies and to check that I turned the stove off. Pray for me.
(Note: Stove was off! Huzzah!)
It’s turned into worst case scenario. The wasp has gone missing. Anyone have the National Guard on speed dial?
Prince Charming has arrived home. He is taking out the vacuum and walking slowly toward the kitchen. There’s no way this can go wrong, right?!
Mayhem has ensued. The wasp has bested us, but we think he is injured. I am still in hiding.
We’ve contacted a realtor to sign the property over to the wasp. It’s taken us by force and clearly deserves it.
I’ve quit my job, as clearly I can never leave my room. But I need to pee… /eyes cowboy boots/
Starvation has kicked in. I haven’t eaten in
four forty hours. I may be hallucinating. What I thought was a cinnamon roll turned out to be a pair of nylons.
The man has located the wasp (and my epi-pen) and will begin the extraction process. Blueprints are being researched. Two tanks have rolled up onto our front lawn. The President is on the phone.
I’m surviving on stale gluten-free pretzels and Trident gum. I have some apple lotion for dessert…
The wasp has moved into a light fixture. Tools are out. Oven mitts are on. Battle to commence in 3…2…1…
THE WASP HAS BEEN ERADICATED! Epi-pen returned to purse. The locals cheer. The President will give a State of the Union address in one hour.
In honor of Prince Charming’s bravery to make the house wasp-free, we shall rename him:
The Wasp Whisperer.
I hope you enjoyed this rendition of The Wasp Whisperer. No humans were harmed in the making of this blog post…although one wasp was harmed. The wasp was ultimately trapped inside of the light fixture, which was quickly covered and set outside. I’d say that I hope the wasp is in a better place, but really wasps are just proof that evil exists in the world.
Stay safe. Lock your windows. Tip your waitresses.
Fun fact alert! July 30, 2015 is known for:
International Friendship Day
- Father-in-Law Day
- National Cheesecake Day
Cheesecake, family, and friends? Sounds like one heck of a day!
Wishing You Laughter & Good Books,
Bold. Bewitching. Breathtaking.
Author of Hunting Witch Hazel featured in Falling Hard (A New Adult Anthology).