Please help me welcome writer Amanda McCarter to Nights of Passion today!
I am a Failure, by Amanda McCarter
According to society’s standards, I am a failure. I write this in anticipation that I will be fired from my job. Which would make it my fourth job in less than a year.
Society dictates that we work forty hours a week, get married, buy a house, have kids, grow old, and retire. Society demands that we be average.
I cannot hold down a full time job. Either it stresses me out so badly I dive into a deep depression or I commit some act of unspeakable individuality that must be crushed or removed by the corporate machine.
I do not have children, nor do I desire them. I am perfectly content to be childless. This may, or may not change, but, at thirty, I have already defied society’s standards for motherhood and domestication.
I am not married. I live in a domestic partnership with a longtime boyfriend. The one marriage I did have ended in quiet divorce due to irreconcilable differences (despite what Arkansas courts say is or is not allowed).
Looking at all of this, I can say I am a failure.
But I’m okay with that.
And I’m not saying these are bad things. If this is your life and your dreams, GREAT! It’s not my thing though.
These aren’t things I ever wanted to succeed at. Well, maybe at one time I did. There was a time when I wanted the six figure job with the house and the loving husband and the 2.5 kids, and, and, and…
I’m not wired that way. It took me a long time to come to grips with that. And it’s okay. Who says you have to have the job that crushes your soul? Or the kids you regret having? Or be married to the man or woman you resent?
I would much rather work from home doing odd jobs here and there to pay the bills, on my own time, by my own terms, answerable mainly to myself.
I enjoy writing and knitting and learning. There is nothing in this world that says that can’t be my chosen profession, except maybe the lack of sales.
I have dozens of rejections from maybe a dozen or so publications and I’m proud of that. I’m proud of the fact that I was brave enough to put myself out there. It’s not easy, but I like it. Even when yet another rejection makes my heart sink and I question if this is the right road after all.
But looking at all the things I’ve failed at and comparing it to the things I’ve succeeded at, I think I’m much happier as a person. I don’t know if I could live in a world where the reverse was true. Where I busted my hump and got the mind numbing job that pays the bills, but I’m never home. I’ve seen those people. They don’t live.
I despise the phrase, “at least I have a job.” It speaks to corporate brainwashing and desperation. When did it become okay to merely exist and live for the weekend? I resent that I am wishing my life away, waiting for days off and stolen moments.
Yes, I know there are places in the world where they would love to do the jobs we have, make the money we make.
But I’m not there.
I’m here. And I have opportunities. I have options. I have freedom to follow my dreams.
Not everyone fits into a box or a mold. Sometimes we break the mold or the mold breaks us. Sure, get a job, pay the bills, but don’t ever fall into the world of “At least I have a job.”
It’s okay to fail. Because the rest of the world doesn’t understand what success is to you. Working 8-5, hitting the punch clock, suit and tie, maybe that’s not your thing.
And that’s alright.
I’m proud to be a failure.
Because I know how I define success and it’s not for everybody.
Amanda McCarter lives in Tulsa, OK with her boyfriend. They share their living space two cats, two dogs, and a snake. When not dreaming of distant futures and far away lands, she spends her time knitting, reading, and playing video games. Her personal blog is amandamccarter.wordpress.com
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