Well this has been a wild season of True Blood. I was beginning to lose faith in the show last season but this one started out well. Interesting and funny and sexy, though not nearly enough of Alcide shirtless. About halfway through it got bogged down with too much subplot, some seriously trippy screen writing, and cheesy B-rated sci-fi movie effects.
I didn’t have much hope for the finale but I did my fan duty and watched it anyway.
So Russell Edgington – who in my opinion has been the best villain so far just because he’s so eccentric about his evilness it makes for some damn funny TV – has just drained the cuckoo hippy fairy from Invisible Fairy Club Land and now he can see all the fairies, including Sookie in that meadow where they hang out and party. They all blast him with their microwave fingers but he just laughs in their collective fairy faces, high on fairy blood. Just when you think Fairyland is screwed, Eric shows up all fanged and foxy and has some amazing dialogue that goes something like this – “Eee, eee” in a menacing growl. Then he finally kills Russell Edgington! It’s about fucking time. Took two seasons to take the bad guy down. For shame Eric. It’s okay. Come here and growl at me and I might forgive you
Nora shows up on the scene and, like most people, wants to eat Sookie. I can practically hear the cries of encouragement from the audience who are tired of Sookie and her doe-eyed fairy ass getting into trouble all the time. But alas, Eric makes Nora swear on Godrick’s life not to harm Sookie.
Jason wakes up from being knocked around a bit and he’s hallucinating his parents everywhere he goes. Hospital time, Jason. Seeing dead people equals bad. Doctors equal good. Follow the light. How many fingers am I holding up? No. Look at me Jason, not your dead parents. Since this is the season finale this dead-end plot line seems completely pointless. But such has been the pattern of season 5.
Bill is totally tripping on Lilith blood. He wants the creepy goddess’s power and will do anything to get it. He’s already killed for it, most recently Salome – the power-hungry counsel member who set Russell Edgington free and orchestrated the whole vampires-take-over-the-world fiasco.
Naked Sam, who infiltrated the authority with Luna to rescue her daughter, has been captured and gets served to His Evil Psycho-ness Bill as a meal, minus the fries on the side. He’s all like, “I’m just here for my friend’s daughter. I’ll never tell anyone about your secret bunker filled with a stash of weapons and a vampire army you plan on taking over the world with. I pinky promise.” And Bill’s all like, “I don’t give a fuck, I’m crazy as shit. Raaaah!” But Sam shifts into a fly and gets away.
Bill orders the vampire army to go postal on any bug they see – which put me into a fit of giggles when I pictured five armed vampire cornering a fly and going through several rounds of ammunition trying to kill it. But Sam gets smart and comes up with a plan, to be revealed later.
Eric and Nora go to Fangtasia where Tara informs them Pam has been taken by the Authority. Eric, Nora, and Tara show up at Sookie’s house and explain that Bill’s gone psycho on vampire goddess blood and if anyone can get through to him, it’s Sookie’s fairy vagina. Sookie, being the ever-devoted and fantastically idiotic heroine agrees to help them infiltrate the Authority. Jason, encouraged by his dead parent hallucinations, agrees to go too. Sookie and Tara haven’t seen each other since Tara went all “I want to rip your throat out and drink the marrow from your bones” shit on her. That does kind of ruin a friendship, doesn’t it? And now all Tara has to say to Sookie is “you owe Pam.” Way to change sides Tara. Not so much of a hello for your former best friend?
Alcide’s sexy wolf friend is flipping out on V so Emma’s grandma – can’t remember her name – brings her to Alcide to be healed. Alcide’s dad encourages him to use V to beat the pack master, which the sexy werewolf chick told him to do, like, three episodes ago but his morals got in the way. So this time he fires Jiminy Cricket and kicks the pack master’s ass with very little trouble then gives a pep talk to the rest of the pack about self-respect and not getting high and yadda yadda yadda. I’m guessing this goes somewhere good in the future seasons cause it’s kinda boring right now. With the exception of the sex scene between him and the girl a few episodes ago. That was almost worth the pointless subplot.
Reverend Steve, acting a little nervous, takes Emma out of her doggie crate – cause remember she’s shifted into a werewolf and can’t shift back. Just as he’s about to get in the elevator to take her for a walk, that southern red-head bitch from the counsel grabs him and forces him onto a video shoot to clear the publicity fiasco where he and Russell Edgington ate an entire frat house last week. Yum. Tastes like beer. Now we know something is up based on the way he’s shifting anxiously and mumbling…oh, and turning into a woman live on the air. Luna appears in Steve’s place and tells everyone about the vampire’s plan to take over the world. Red-head bitch tries to kill her but a fly gets her in mouth then she explodes as Sam shifts to human form inside her. Creative, screen writers, I’ll give you that. But nasty all the same. Luna falls over, looking dead. But she’s died once already, maybe twice, then pulled through so I’m onto you screen writers. Fool me once…
Lafayette, Arlene, Holly, and some random bar patron have a few drinks at Sam’s and dance to some sultry music when Andy comes in with his pregnant fairy girlfriend. He tells Holly about knocking up the fairy and she calls him an ass or some such name that describes most men. Then fairy girl starts giving birth. Fairies, apparently, have mind-blowing orgasms when they give birth – lucky bitches. As if we needed another reason to hate them and their magical vaginas. After four too-big, too-clean, too-happy babies are produced, the fairy bitch leaves, wishing Andy good luck in keeping at least half of them alive. Great mother material there. No wonder fairies are close to extinction.
Eric and Nora smuggle Sookie, Jason, and Tara into the Authority and set Jason loose on the reception area. Vampires blow up in a gooey mess all over the pristine lobby. Eric and Nora shut down the security system while fighting like an old married couple, which makes me prefer Nora over Sookie for Eric. I mean, if I can’t have him that is. But I haven’t given up yet. It’s only been five seasons.
Pam is her consistently arrogant, bored, and slightly pissed off self in jail at the Authority headquarters. Jessica gets all angsty and says “I can’t believe Bill and Eric aren’t going to fall over each other to save Sookie for the first time since the blonde bimbo appeared on screen.” Or something like that. Then Pam echoes my sentiments exactly. “Must all roads lead to fucking Sookie?” Damn. She gets all all the good lines.
Anyway, Sookie and Tara spring Jessica and Pam then….the big moment we’ve all been waiting for! Pam and Tara kiss! But, unfortunately, it was a disappointment, like most of the season. While their chemistry throughout the season was sizzling, the kiss felt awkward and forced. I was expecting some wild, violent I-love-you-no-I-hate-you kiss. This is Pam and Tara! Come on!
After the awkward kiss that made me yell “whoo-hoo!” despite the let down, we get to the finale. Evil Bill versus teary-eyed Sookie and Eric. He’s about to drink all of Lilith’s blood and they try to talk him out of it. Eric says Lilith is an evil creepy psycho bitch (or something like that) and Sookie’s all like, “Even though you massacred half of New Orleans and blew up a True Blood factory, I know there’s good somewhere in there. Deep, deep inside. Buried deep below decades of built-up resentment, constant teenager-like angst, and a case of plain old psychosis, there’s a kind, compassionate man.” He stares at her a moment then, in more eloquent words than these, says, “fuck it” and drinks the blood. Then he melts into a puddle on the floor while yelling “I’m melting, I’m melting!” Just kidding. But that would’ve been funny, right?
He does melt into the floor in puddle of blood, and just when you think it’s over and psycho Bill is dead…he’s not! He rises up out of the blood puddle, covered in the same nasty shit Lilith was, sporting an impressive pair of fangs. Eric’s eyes get wide and he yells to Sookie, “Run!”
Yep. That’s the finale.
So there were a few holes I was displeased with leaving open. The biggest is this Warlow guy who has a love affair with baby Sookie’s band-aid. He got introduced to the show too late and made only one semi-creepy appearance as an apparition in her bathroom, probably after watching her shower. I’m guessing this will be a big part of the next season but honestly, I don’t really care who killed her parents and why. I mean, we already know one of them was a fairy. They taste good. There. Mystery solved.
What I’m halfway interested in for season 6: Bill being the bad guy. I was soooo tired of his pussy vampire ass. I think it’d be the ultimate twist if he became some kind of uber villain that Sookie had to kill to save the fate of the free world or some shit like that.
But I’m not really sure what the future has in store. I heard they’re making a season 6 but I could be wrong. Does anybody know? And will anybody watch it?
What did you think of this season? And this episode in particular?