Last weekend was me and my husband’s anniversary. For the past few years, anytime we’ve had a ridiculous conversation (which is often) I jot it down to laugh at years from now. Because I love my husband – and also love to embarrass him – I’ve copied my favorite of the list I’ve compiled. So, in honor of our eight years together, here is my husband – the silly, overly-logical but still brave, kind, selfless man, who I still love as much as the day I said “I do.”And yes, this conversation is real and copied verbatim.
Me: If I was attacked, would you fight for me?
Hubby: Hmm…does the attacker have a gun?
Me: No. No weapons. Just a fist fight and whatever is laying around. Like a chair.
Hubby: So a chair fight?
Me: (rolls eyes) Sure. A chair fight.
Hubby: How big is he?
Me: Honey, the answer I’m looking for is a simple yes.
Hubby: Would I die if I fought?
Me: If you lost!
Hubby: Then I probably wouldn’t.
Hubby: Well, if I don’t fight, at least one of us would be alive for the kids. If I did fight, there is a 50% chance our kids would be orphaned. I would do whatever I could to make sure one of us lives.
Me: What if the guy was small and you could take him?
Me: Honey! Where’s the emotion? Where’s the fury? Where’s the passion?
Hubby: The mind doesn’t think sensibly when it’s full of emotion. I have to evaluate the situation and weigh the risks carefully to assess the likelihood of the outcome I desire.
Me: Too late. I’m dead. You have one second to decide whether to fight or watch me die.
Hubby: This is ridiculous. I’m not validating it anymore with an argument.
Me: Fine! You’re a terrible husband today!
Me: What if there’s no chance you would die if you fought?
Hubby: Does he have a gun?
Me: No. It’s a street fight. In a back alley.
Hubby: Then, yes, I would. I would be injured to any degree for you. I would even die for you if it meant you would definitely live.
Me: I would totally fight for you, live or die. I would pick up a brick and throw it at his head, then jump on him and slam his head on the concrete until there was blood everywhere.
Hubby: I hope not. That’s impractical. If you threw the brick and you missed, you wouldn’t have it anymore.
Me: I wouldn’t miss. Adrenaline enhances the senses. I would be faster and stronger. You really wouldn’t do the same for me?
Hubby: Depends. Who’s closer to the brick?
Me: Ugh! You’re impossible!
Me: Well, the point is moot anyway. I would never get abducted. I’m too smart and resourceful.
Hubby: I’m gonna hire someone to abduct you just to prove you’re wrong.
Me: That’s terrible! Someone could get hurt. Most likely you, when I found out!
Me: You wouldn’t really do that honey, would you?
Hubby: The fact that you even have to ask just proves your lack of faith in me.
Me: Well, I know you have some friends that would love that.
Hubby: (chuckle) Yeah.
Me: Stop plotting!
Honey, I love you and your weird sense of humor and especially that you’ve put up with me for the last eight years and plan to for many more to come. Happy anniversary!