Yes, it’s that time again. Another awesome movie review by yours truly. Today I’m reviewing the historical gem, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.
I wasn’t sure what to think of this movie going in. Hubby really wanted to see it and I’m game for any vampire movie plus I figured it’d be a good one to review for my loyal and devoted fans (gifts are always welcomed and encouraged, btw). So here’s the low down on Mr. Kick-ass President.
Plot: We start off seeing Little Abe in his small village when slave traders come by and take his friend Will’s dad. Will starts getting beaten by a trader for trying to save his dad then little Abe jumps in front and tries to stop it. Thus begins Abe’s hatred of slavery. Watching his mother die from a vampire bite fuels a vengeful rage inside him that predictably lasts the whole movie until justice is served, cold, on a silver platter, with a silver bullet in its head, then burned because you can never be too careful.
As soon as he comes of age, he goes looking for the man responsible for his mother’s death and tries to kill him. Like all young cocky men filled with hate, he fucks it up. And it doesn’t help that his nemesis is a vampire. But these aren’t cute sparkly vampires that make you want to stroke their fangs. They’re not even dangerous ones that still have that sexy I’d-like-to-fuck-you-cause-I-wanna-know-if-I’ll-survive-it side. These vampires eat True Blood vampires for breakfast. And not like the wimpy vampires like Jessica and Bill. But Eric and Russell Edgington, and yeah, throw in Alcide too. Fangs is a gross understatement. Piranha teeth is more accurate. Seriously, they don’t mess around.
So the subject of Abe’s clumsy wrath doesn’t die even with a bullet to the face. The two fight, badly, and just when you think evil vampire is going to kill Abe and that the movie was a grossly historically inaccurate waste of money (as opposed to slightly historically inaccurate), a new character comes out of nowhere and throws the vampire around a bit until he runs away to make a significant appearance later in the film.
Henry Sturgess, is the name of this hero. And he hunts vampires. After a speech from Abe about why Henry should train him to hunt vampires too, Henry agrees as long as he does everything he tells him to and doesn’t seek revenge on his own. *snort* Yeah right. Anyway, Abe gets a silver-tipped axe, his ass kicked in training, and some words of wisdom from this mysterious friend. The axe has to be the most kick-ass vampire hunting weapon I’ve never thought of. An axe. Who knew? Not only does it account for the gratuitous use of graphic violence (skip the popcorn for this movie folks), but it’s damn sexy!
Abe is a total dork. He’s tall and lanky and looks nothing like a hero. But when he wields that axe like some kind of…lumberjack ninja…phew! Get a fan, ladies. Well, that’s if you don’t mind the blood spraying from chopped limbs, crunching of skulls, heads sliding off necks, and other gruesome footage. But admittedly, I’m a little bit twisted.
The movie is highly stylized – which is a fancy way of saying there were a lot of slow motion parts and unique camera angles. Basically, the “cool factor.” I don’t know if that’s good or bad for you but most guys seem to like it so I thought it deserved a fair mention.
We meet a couple historical figures. Abe’s wife, Mary Todd. Somebody Douglas, a pro-slavery politician who helps start the Civil War. And Abe himself, who’s character stayed pretty true to history. He studies law while working as a clerk and he’s passionate about abolishing slavery. Except for the slicing heads of vampires at night (which has yet to be verified), it’s pretty accurate.
Here’s what’s really cool about this movie. I’m not a history buff. In fact, I’m the opposite of a history buff. If you tell me a historical fact I’m like “Ack! Don’t say any more! You’ll take up valuable space in my brain for important things like pop song lyrics and commercial jingles.” But this movie makes history cool. And it’s not just the fuck-yeah-for-spewing-brains cool. But it gives the backdrop for Abe’s inspiration in signing the Emancipation Proclamation, as well as other historical significant things like the Underground Railroad and some of his famous speeches.
The middle slogged a bit as he traded in his vampire-whooping axe to start a family and use the power of words to change the world. There were some profound moments of inspiration as well. “Power doesn’t come from hate. It comes from truth.” Or some shit that makes you stop and think, “wow. I’ve never thought of that before,” then gaze up at the sky and wonder if there really is a God and if so what does he think of the TomKat break up. But in all seriousness, what we’re given in this movie is a symbolic look at the destruction of evil and the beginning of a legacy. As Lincoln says to Henry, “Vampires aren’t the only things that live forever.”
The final showdown between vampires and human, pro-slavery and anti-slavery, was by far the coolest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Abraham Lincoln kicking vampire ass on top of a moving freight train with his trusty axe at age fifty. Fifty! It’s one thing for a spry man in his twenties to fight immortals, but a middle-aged politician? Now that’s bad ass.
Bottom line: If you love history and the thought of anyone taking a few liberties with it makes your eyes twitch or if vampire brains exploding from skulls makes you queasy, this probably isn’t the movie for you. But if you like drama that isn’t boring, being tricked into learning, and gratuitous bloodshed, grab some popcorn and 3-D glasses and enjoy!
As for me, I give it two thumbs up!
And just cause I think its funny…