If I was smart and had more time, I’d be really clever and do 31 reasons to buy 31 Flavors of Kink but I’m not and I don’t. Besides, I don’t think you’d stick with me for such a long list. So here’s a plain ordinary list of 10.
1. It’s a true story
The idea is laughable. Nick wielding a paddle? He’s more likely to cross-dress and pierce his nipples than mercilessly paddle my ass. Nick is the nicest man I’ve ever met. It’s why I married him.
I sigh in frustration and push my fantasies away. The dog jumps at the door. Nick rolls over. His voice is groggy. “Honey. The dog wants to go out.”
Welcome to real life.
2. It’s funny
Vibrators in every shape and size. Fat ones, skinny ones, and some so big they make me squirm just looking at them. Realistic-looking phalluses in every ethnic color. Something that looks disturbingly like a dolphin with whirly things coming off the side. My God. Do they light up and sing songs too? I’m picturing Marvin Gaye singing “Let’s Get It On” between my legs.
3. It’s heartwarming
Inside is a generic message, but underneath, written in his handwriting, it says:
You know I’m not great with words. But you should know my feelings about you have never changed from the moment I said “I do.” And I would say it a million times over no matter what. I love you. Nothing in this world can change that.
A tear slides down my cheek.
4. And sometimes heartbreaking
I turn on my side and curl up in a ball under the blanket, hiding this horrible wrongness clawing at my soul. He climbs in beside me. If he hugs me, I’ll cry.
“I love you, honey,” he whispers in my ear.
I hate myself.
I fall asleep with the salty taste of tears in my mouth.
5. It’s honest
On the surface, I can say easily he won’t hurt me, but when I think of being physically exposed and helpless, a small part deep down, in the darkness of my soul, panics. It turns me on, yes, but I can’t stop that tiny thirteen-year-old voice whimpering, what if he does hurt me? What if he betrays me? Nick, the one stable influence in my life. My rock. My one and only love. If I test his trustworthiness and he fails, I think it would kill me.
6. It’s kinky
My giggling and wiggling return as he lays a series of fiery smacks all over my butt. There will be marks left, I’m sure. By the umpteenth smack, I’m going hazy, and I arch my back, seeking that odd fusion of pain and pleasure that sits there waiting for me.
7. And sexy
He scowls and yanks the crop from my hands. “So little faith. I don’t need a book to tell me what to do with my woman.” His grin reappears as he swishes the crop through the air. The menacing whistle chills me to my bones at the same time as warming me between the legs.
8. The characters look like you and I
Suddenly I’m self-conscious of my hanging parts and cellulite. I pull a blanket over my belly but try out my best flirty smile. He looks at me, then all the toys on the bed.
His eyes widen. “Whoa.”
9. It features a brand new, but sexy, Dom
I look down at his text. Basically you want me to take control?
Now he’s getting it. But I should clarify.
In the bedroom, yes.
His text comes faster this time. I can do that.
My heart leaps, and I grin like an idiot. Another text comes through.
But I’m gonna make you regret saying that.
10. Did I mention it’s funny?
A crack in the pavement has caught my heel. I wobble and almost topple over on my fuck-me shoes until he steadies me. I rename them fuck-your-ankle shoes.
31 Flavors of Kink is now available on all e-readers!