Any True Blood fans out there?
Well, even if you’re not it was hard to miss that the season premier was Sunday night. Since I’m such a big fan (and totally have the hots for Vikings and Joe Mangellio), I’m doing a little recap of the first episode.
So we start with Eric and Bill getting ready to flee from the authority and already I’m laughing. Big bad Eric and vampire Bill are on their knees scrubbing the carpet. Not just that but they’re talking about girls! Okay guys, what happened to your balls between seasons? Did Sookie really break your little lifeless hearts? Or did they fall off while you were on your long winter vacation?
Then Sookie gets in trouble (what else is new?) and Bill does his angsty “Sookie!” and runs to save her. Eric would normally be right behind him but now he’s all bitter she rejected them. And repeating Pam’s words from last season he says “Fuck Sookie.” Now there’s true love for ya. But that’s okay by me cause I agree. Fuck Sookie. Eric should be with me.
Bill tries to get to her but it’s too late – the Authority is there. And they’ve got nets! Look out big bad vampires, the Authority is going to catch you in what humans use to collect large amounts of fish. Okay, yes, they were silver, but still.
So then we see Sookie and Lafayette on the kitchen floor holding Tara’s dead body while blood pours out all over the tile. How many times in the last five seasons has Sookie had to clean blood off that floor? You’d think she’d move by now. Pam shows up, my second favorite character. She’s all like, “hey, nice party.” Sookie, doe-eyes full of tears is like, “have some human decency and leave us alone!” Duh Sookie! It’s Pam. She eats human decency for breakfast.
So, big shocker, Sookie and Lafayette beg Pam to turn Tara. Okay, truth time. I probably would too. If my best friend was dying in my arms and a vampire – even a sarcastic uber-bitch like Pam – came strolling by, I’d personally volunteer to be that vampire’s living IV bag if she turned her. In a completely out of character and contrived-to-move-the-plot act of kindness, Pam agrees to turn Tara (who she hates with the passion of a thousand, um, bad things) because Sookie will “owe her one.” Are you rolling your eyes? Yeah, me too. So Pam dons a yellow soccer mom from the 80′s sweatsuit from Walmart while she tucks Tara into their romantic grave bed for the day.
Reverend Steve is back! I’m so glad cause I really liked the pious son-of-a-bitch. Gone from preacher boy to “gay American vampire” in only three seasons. Pretty impressive change of heart, Reverend. Well, he’s got a score to settle with Jason, who slept with his wife in season 2.
And that brings us to Jason. Jason, Jason, Jason. *Sigh* So gullible and naive. So fine and gorgeous. Too bad all his brains fell out of his head and got stuck in his…um, manhood. More on this later.
Sam has a hot girlfriend, thank the Lord! Sookie does not need anymore boys mooning after her. Sam is far too sweet and deserves a good woman of his own. And he found one in Luna. So Sam and his hottie girlfriend and her adorable daughter are like one cute Shifter family now. Except that Luna’s werewolf ex’s pack is after Sam because they think he killed Marcus, their alpha. Sam is valiantly taking the fall for Alcide – excuse me while I drool (more on that later). So he agrees to go with the pack for questioning to keep Emma and Luna from harm.
Back to Jason and Reverend Vampire Steve. Basically it goes down like this. Steve says something like, “My slutty blonde wife left me for you, I’m lonely, I’m desperate, I most likely have Daddy issues, love me or I’ll eat your face.” Jason, as dumb as he is, can’t even play along to get free. Reverend Vampire Steve is about to drink him, kill him, fuck him, who knows, but Jessica turns up looking hotter and more bad ass than ever. Ditching her human boyfriend last season is working for her. Reverend Vampire Steve and Jessica toss the f-bomb around way more times than necessary. She kicks him out while he yells “I love youuuuu…” I laughed out loud so hard I scared my dog. Then Jessica gets all bow-chicka-wow-wow on Jason wearing this sexy corset that had my husband’s eyes popping out of his head.
Bill and Eric are only adding to their pansy status by traveling to the authority via car trunk with elevator music playing in the background. Finally, they grow a pair and blow up the car. Then Eric makes out with his “sister.” Whoa. Hold up. Whaa?
No, not his real sister. They were both made by Goddrick. Here’s what I’m wondering by this point. Eric loved his maker, was devoted to him his whole existence. Pam loves her maker. Jessica is slightly less devoted but still respects and loves Bill. What the hell is going to happen to Pam and Tara if their grave nap works?
So Eric’s sister, didn’t catch her name, sounds like a British schoolmarm but I like her more than Sookie already. She sets up some kind of Witness Protection Program for vampires that murder witch covens and Bill and Eric agree to leave their lives behind. Goodbye Sookie. *snorts* As if that’ll last.
Lafayette is very depressed in this episode – his cousin is dead or maybe a brain dead vampire, and he still hasn’t faced the fact that he killed his lover, Jesus, last season. Well, I guess those are good excuses to be a bit blue, but I like funny Lafayette better. Anyway, him and Sookie go to clean up yet another dead body only Jesus’ body is gone. Which leads me to wonder…is everyone turning vampire this season? Or does Jesus have some mighty Mexican magic that brings him back from the dead?
So Sheriff Andy is sleeping with Holly – the blonde witch chick that works at Sam’s bar. Her kids come home from hunting and see Andy laying naked on the bed. He hauls ass out of there in his underwear. Not sure where that’s going but compared to everyone else in that messed up town, their relationship is downright romantic.
Arlene and Terry are all stressed out cause, you know, their infant is possessed and maybe even evil. We’re not quite sure which way he’ll turn out yet but starting fires and writing messages on the wall before the age of one doesn’t bode well.
Then we cut to Lafayette, laying in the bathtub, looking depressed, staring at a hot pink razor while mysterious but sad music plays in the background. Is he or isn’t he? What’s he going to do with that razor? Well, he does! In a bout of severe depression and emotional distress, he shaves his mohawk! *Gasp*
Alcide. *fans self* That’s all I need to say, right? Some stuff happens with him – mostly he’s warning everybody about Russel Edgington – but I don’t remember much more. I was too busy undressing him with my eyes and imagining him growling at me in bed.
Jason wants to make up with Hoyt but good-natured Hoyt has had it with being used. I think the directors gave Bill and Eric’s balls to him cause he cusses out Jason for being a “girlfriend fucker”.
Sookie is about to tell Alcide she offed his bitch last season but Lafayette jumps in, all bald and angry and tells Alcide they’re done with supernatural bullshit and get the fuck out. Alcide growls. Leia swoons. And Alcide strips off his… Whoops. Got a little distracted there. Sorry.
Next Sam is being tortured by the werewolf pack who want the location of Marcus’ body. They have him tied to a pole in a barn and whip him with belts. Seriously? That’s torture? I know people who have foreplay rougher than that. Apparently, someone made off with the werewolf pack’s balls too.
Sam breaks under the excruciating torture *rolls eyes* and leads the werewolves to Marcus’ body, Alcide shows up, and something happens that…*shakes head*…I just don’t get. What the hell was that? They went all wolfy and started eating the body. *Gag* Was that really necessary, True Blood producers? A wolf pulling a bloody intestine out of a body?
Then Eric and Bill are heading into the Vampire Protection Program as Marcellis and Ike. *Snicker* But the authority shows up SWAT team style and surrounds them. Someone yells in the bullhorn the best line of the show, “In the name of the one true vampire authority, blah blah blah, do not fucking move!”
The episode ends with Sookie and Lafayette graveside, waiting to see if Tara rises. Pam comes out first. Sookie digs in the dirt, calling her name and crying. It’s all very suspenseful. You know what happens, don’t you? Come on. I called it at the end of last season.
Just when you think she’s really dead, and you feel that momentary flicker of sadness, BAM! She pops up out of the grave and she is one pissed off vampire!
And that’s the end.
Overall, I love True Blood and I’m glad it’s back.
What did you think?